At times, I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts, even sometimes on a weekly basis. Sometimes I’m able to ignore them. I might be driving somewhere and briefly think about driving off the road. That thought might catch me off guard, but it quickly passes and I try mind and I go about my day.
But other times, these thoughts stick around. It’s like a huge weight has dropped onto me and I’m struggling to get out from underneath it. The thoughts start overwhelming me, I get an intense urge and desire to end at all.
In those moments, it’s like there’s glitch in my brain that’s triggered and my mind goes haywire. I’m convinced that I’ll do anything to get the screaming thoughts in my head to stop. Even if that glitch is actually temporary, it can feel like it won’t last forever.
I’ve become more aware of my thoughts and found ways to manage when things get too hard. Simply, being aware of the lies my brain tells me when I’m suicidal, helps combat them.
If this last year has taught me anything, it’s that the matter what Depression tells me, there’s always hope. I want to share a few ways that I have learned to cope with my suicidal Idealization.
When it feels impossible to focus on anything other than my pain, I look for a distraction.
When I’m suicidal, my emotional pain is intense and overwhelming, so much so that it’s hard to concentrate or think about anything else. If I find that I can’t focus I sometimes turn to my favorite TV shows like Friends or Supernatural or even New Girl. Although, my favorite distraction of all time, is to hearing Thalía screaming my name and being extremely excited to see me.
They give me a sense of comfort and familiarity that I need in those times. It can be a great distraction when reality gets too much. Sometimes all we can do is wait for the thoughts to pass and then regroup. Watching my favorite show is a great distraction.
When I’m convinced that everyone would be better off without me, I challenge those thoughts.
My loved ones would never want me to die(it’s a rule in our house, no one can die!) but sometimes it’s hard for me to think clearly. There’s always a voice in my head that tells me family is better off without me. Especially, if they didn’t have to deal with me at my worst.
But the reality is, I’m only one that thinks that.
My family won’t recover if I die and my love ones know that being there for someone when things get tough as a part of life.
Challenge those thought about love ones being better off without you by not only thinking through the reality but spending time with love ones more often.
When I struggle to see my other options, I just go to sleep.
Being suicidal is, in someways, a form of total emotional exhaustion. I’m tired of having to force myself out of bed each morning, having to take all of these medications that don’t seem to be working and crying constantly.
Struggling with my mental health day in and day out is very tiring and when I reached my limit, I can feel as though I’m just too broken, that I need to way out.
Just remember, even if it can feel awkward or scary at first, it’s important to reach out and keep yourself safe! When you’re in a depressed state, you’re not in a position to make permanent decisions, especially when there is no one there to offer perspective. Suicidal idealization can be extremely scary, but you’re never alone and you’re never without options.
If this last year has taught me anything, it’s that no matter what depression does to you, there’s always hope. No matter how painful it can be, I always find that I’m stronger than I think I am.
And chances are pretty good that if you made it this far, you are too.
Daily Dose of Bipolar 