Bipolar & College

The transition from high school to college is usually an exciting time. For many, its their first extended time away from home and it’s their first big step to their own identity. These new beginnings, rise hope for new outcomes and adventures into this new adult world. Most people thrive in their new college/university environment, however, the biggest disappointment here is that this new fabulous beginning doesn’t apply to bipolar disorder. Those with bipolar disorder, don’t get to leave it at the door like high school friends or drama. A fresh start with bipolar disorder, usually means revisiting one’s approach to treatment and deciding what’s most appropriate for the next stage of development.

Personally for me, I had no interest in applying for college or my senior year of high school. At this point in my life, I have no idea if I had bipolar disorder. I know I was extremely depressed and suicidal. I was living in a very abusive household, and everything I did to reach out and get help got right back to my abusers. I did know, that I didn’t plan on being alive by the time graduation came around. I was scared, depression and didn’t have anyone as an ally. I remember being so badly depressed then and just so lost, I was trying my best at avoiding being home. I remember thinking to myself at some point that there was no one I could trust because everything I ever said got back to my abusers.

Many of my peers and classmates had a plan for their future and well, I didn’t have a plan or a want to do anything. I also wasn’t involved in any clubs or anything, besides girl scouts. All I knew was what I was conditioned to think, that I wanted to be a teacher. Every time that I tried to bring up something that I wanted to do in my future, it was shot down and I was reminded that I wanted to be a teacher. (Absolutely, nothing wrong with being a teacher!!)

After graduating high school, I moved an hour away from my hometown and in with my brother and his wife, finally away from that abusive house. The best thing I ever did for myself was get away from those abusive people. So after that I took a year off from school and started at my local community college, a little over a year after high school ended. I originally went for education p-6, however, after two semesters I changed to liberal arts. I got one semester into my liberal arts major, and the stress from the four classes I was taking was overwhelming, I winded up dropping two of those classes. I wasn’t sleeping, wasn’t eating and was just completely overwhelmed. After that last semester, I took three semester off to figure out what I wanted to actually do and ya know do some legit soul searching.

College is made up to be an exciting time, time to network and find yourself while making friends and memories you’ll never forget. But for me, it turned into this huge ball of stress and panic that I just couldn’t handle. Having bipolar and attending college can feel fucking impossible. I went back to school, this past fall and changed my major to Business Management. Even after this past spring semester, I considered dropping out again and I’m only attending part time.

I have, however, realize that when it came to assignments, I’m either too low and I procrastinated until the last minute or I’m in such a hyper and energized mania mood that I would get aggravated with myself until it was done. Especially, group projects and members who don’t communicate and do their part, I hate it.

Although, I did write a research paper on treatment possibilities of Posttraumatic stress disorder, it was titled, “Healing: Spirits or Science?” Basically, it was about indigenous healing practices verse modern medication. How quickly our society wants to medicate it away, for everything not just, PTSD and mental health. My paper also went into detail on how some people first turn God after experiencing a traumatic event in their lives. I learned a lot during my research, like PTSD actually affects your memory and learning abilities. PTSD can actually make your learning process ten times slower.

College is tough, regardless of what you face on a daily basis by yourself. Everyone experiences life events in a different mind set than the next person. Making it through college, unmedicated, was a flipping chore and a half. It was unbelievably hard on my mental health. Even with being diagnosis, medicated and having more support than I originally did, it’s still not easy. You know how hard it is to get out of bed and take a shower some days? Even worse than that, but think about then having to then go to class, where your assignments will be critiqued. Being bipolar isn’t your only identity, though it does loom very large in your life. I was a student, a nanny, an employee, a sister, a daughter and a granddaughter and a few other things. I may not have enjoyed them as I should, but they are as much as part of me as my bipolar is.