Living with Bipolar

What many people fail to understand is that bipolar comes in many different forms, it is different for everyone. Bipolar is defined by rapid mood swings, worse than a teenagers hormones. Bipolar mood swings are actually much  more dramatic. One person’s bipolar might be more emotional and not angry or vise versa. I personally, get upset very easily or as some have told me, I cry easily and I will admit that I actually do. Honestly, sometimes I simply can’t control it. The stupidest  littlest things can set me off, I once punched my mouse pad on my laptop because it wasn’t working right. It was so stupid but set me off. I also extremely hate loud noises and yelling.

However, there are actually several different forms of bipolar and they are classified by the mania and depressive episodes and how quickly they come and go. I personally, am usually pretty mellow, unless I’m triggered. However, there are actual times when I have absolutely no idea why the heck I’m in mania.

Many people say, ‘she’s bipolar’, but you’d never define someone with depression by saying ‘she’s a depressive’. Simply, changing your wording to they have bipolar,  just sounds better than labeling someone.

I also learned that bipolar disorder isn’t always a condition you are born with, but rather a condition that can be developed due to traumatic experiences. I’ve read about people who have had it their whole lives and have no idea.

I know I have probably had this condition for a while, and I’ve learned how to control my mania episodes without medication, since I had no idea I even had bipolar because I was refusing to seek help and was in denial.

In the past year, I have learned some of  my symptoms to my mania and depressive episodes.  

Mania –

Extreme happiness, talking quickly, lack of social inhibition, getting easily distracted, being easily irritated, not craving sleep and lack of an appetite

Depressive

Feelings of hopelessness/worthlessness, lack of energy, loss of interest in things I enjoy, difficulty sleeping/concentrating, memory problems, guilt, isolating myself and pessimism

I forwent getting help because I never wanted to be medicated, I didn’t want to be dependent on mood stabilizers or anti-psychotics. But I was so unhappy and just miserable, I mean would cry for hours on end and not be able to stop. I was beyond depressed, I wasn’t really working, just babysitting, and didn’t leave my house at all. I was in a horrible relationship on top of it and that didn’t help my mental health either.

Although now, I’m on one of the higher doses of Seroquel but hate the long term side effects from it. It really messes with my memories. Some days, I find it debilitation and struggle  mentally to cope with everyday life, however, some days it doesn’t bother me at all. On the good days, I can push it down and get through the day.

I walk around every day like nothing is wrong and I hold it all together so no one worries but some days it is just too much and It gets the best of me.

The most important things I’ve learned is that bipolar is something I have, not something that I am and that nobody should be defined by something that’s out of their control.